Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokes_p/prac2.jok

Text File | 1992-01-07 | 47KB | 999 lines

From [e-mail] Sat Dec  2 09:53:28 1989
From: [e-mail] (David Vangerov)
Subject: Super Collection of Practical Jokes (part 2 of 4)

*********

Back in the good old college days, when pulling all-nighters (sure, you must
have done some of those before!), at about 2 or 3am, try calling someone to
"remind" them to go to the bathroom (or do something). Wait for half-an-hour
or so, call again just to make sure s/he did what you asked them to do earlier!

*********

When I was out at Union College in Schenectady N.Y, we had a great college
radio station that would give away pizzas, movie passes, clothes, etc. for
answering trivia questions throughout the day.  One day, my friend and I
recorded a trivia question on our tape deck and kept the tape in the deck.
A little later one of our good friends came over to visit and we were all
listening to the campus station.  As soon as one of the songs ended, we turned
on the tape with out our friend noticeing and the D.J asked a trivia question
for a large pizza.  Our friend knew the answer and since he was closed to the
phone, he immediatly picked it up and dialed the station.  He was really excited
that he got through and started yelling the answer at the mystified D.J.  He was
incredibly embarrased, we were trying so hard not to laugh it hurt.

*********

DEC 20 practical jokes were rampant at an undergraduate computer center
I once frequented. One practical joker, call him Jack (yes, the same
Jack mentioned in an earlier message on this list), wrote a program
that was really rather nasty.

This program maintained two tables or arrays of strings. The strings
would be things like:

    [FROM TTY NN: HI SWEETIE, JUST CAUGHT YOU LOOKING AT ME]
or
    [FROM TTY NN: HEY YOU GORGEOUS HUNK, COME OVER AND MEET ME]

The program would cycle through the system sending out these messages
occasionally to a random terminal, insuring that the terminal mentioned
in the terminal messages above would have an actual logged-in job.
The person who received the message would either be a) annoyed b)
flattered and want to meet their admirer or c) angry.

I heard that many meetings of users resulted from this program.

*********

Some friends of mine in high school used to turn in assignments from the old
IBM /370 with start of execution at 07:58:00 Dec 7 1941 (apologies about the
time if in error, but history is not my forte).


************  < This batch entered 2/2/87 (or so...) >

The hardest to do/forget practical joke that I know is a variation on
the theme of dismantling something large and then reassembling it in
someone's office/apartment/dorm room.

Locally there was a VP who was a Volkswagen Beetle Fan, so for his
birthday, some of the people who work for him stuck one in his office.
It made the newspaper when the refused to take it apart.

*************

Allow me to be the first to recommend an excellent book of *really*
nasty revenge getters. It's called "Getting Even: the complete book
of Dirty Tricks" (in 2 volumes, I believe) Unfortunately, I don't
have my copy here, so I can't give the author's name, but I think
it (they?) was published by Paladin Press.

It contains real gems for all occasions. (mad at the landlord that
evicted you? seal the apartment after introducing 10-15 cats and
plenty of food/water)

Warning: most of these dirty tricks are *really* nasty, don't use
these on people you might have to deal with in the future.

*************

In 1972 I was working at a very boring job in an aerospace factory.
There were three guys my age (early 20's) in the department and we
werw always playing what we saw as a joke on some poor unsuspecting
soul.  I was also in the Navy Reserve at the time and had to take
two weeks off during the Summer to due my training.  When I returned
>from two weeks off, not yet bored enough yet to begin playing more
jokes, the other three guys went off their heads pulling any kind of
trivial, dangerous or otherwise obnoxious stunt they could think of.
At the end of the second day the supervisor called me into the office
and said:

"Jones, I don't know what's the matter with you but you better knock
it off.  I've had two weeks of peace and quiet while you were gone
and now that you're back all hell's breaking loose. You go on back
out there and stop bothering people."

I knew that I hadn't done anything but I didn't bother to protest.
I could recognize a well executed joke when I saw one.

*********

    A great trick I have gotten away with many a time requires a little
preparation, simply to go to the grocery and get a few packages of Kool-Aid.
Then while your 'prey' is away, simply spread it nice and liberally into his
bed, best if done in stripes, to leave his body in different colors. This
works best in a warm room where he is sure to sweat during the night to the
utmost.

*********

    If you have access to a two(or more) line phone, this is a great one,
dial the first six numbers of your prey's phone number, and put that line on
hold, then dial the other number; a pizza place, or his girlfriend is good for
starters, then escalate to college offices, activist terrorist organizations
and the CIA are good from then on. After you dial the second number, quickly
put the second number on hold, then dial the last number of the first number
and push BOTH buttons down at the same time to activate both calls at once,
then listen, but don't laugh, or they might hear you and do worse in return.

*********

Try taping a drunk to his bed.  Get a large roll of masking tape and
when he passes out wind it around him and the bed.

Another good one to do with a drunk is to put one of those fake bald
heads over his hair.  Then when he wakes up ask him if he knows what
he did last night.

*********

   I am far too Nice a person to ever have done these, but a friend of mine...:
1. Leave old trash paperbacks around launderettes and other public places.
   Write inside the front cover:  Property of <Victim>.  I need this book
   for my thesis.  If found, please return to <address> for $10.00 reward.
2. Post ads around town for a garage sale (or open house) at Victim's house
   starting at 7:00 AM next Sunday.
3. Call lots of people and identify yourself as the victim, and say "I was
   walking throught the neighborhood recently and just realized I dropped
   my wallet.  Could you please check the sidewalk in front of your house
   and let me know if you find it?  Thanks *so* much.  My phone number is...

*********

How about some chocolate Ex-lax in brownies.

Or maybe some ambesol in the mouthwash.

*********

The best practical joke I know of is from MASH.  However, you need a reputation
as an incorrigable joker for it to work.  Just let the person know you are
going to play a big one on him within 5 days.  (Pick your time frame.)  And
that he will be powerless to stop you.  If you do it right, he'll worry himself
to pieces and make a fool of himself.  Then DO NOTHING.

*********

Go to one of those miniature golf courses that has a windmill hole.
Replace the motor with one that can spin the windmill at about 1000 RPM.
Then illuminate it with a strobe light so it looks like its moving at
about the same speed as before.

*********

How `bout those relatives that seem to stay longer than expected....

If you had someone staying at your house, especially if they're traveling
with small children, help them pack up the car.  Slip some limburger (sp?)
cheese into their car somewhere where it'll slowly get warm.  You can
imagine the consternation when they pull to a rest stop to change junior's
diapers and find nothing there.  Or the line, "Did you hit a skunk or ...?"

*********

1) Get a piece of plastic as long as the victims bed and a little over
twice as wide.  Remove his mattress from his bed frame and line the frame
with the plastic.  Tape the plastic to the bed if necessary.  Fill with water
(a hose connected to the tub is helpful).  Fold the rest of the plastic
over the water, and make the bed.  (Done to my roommate by mutual friend.)

2) If your victim has a roommate, switch all their possesions.  Or, turn
all the posters upside down and hang the furniture from the ceiling.  (Both
done to me.)

3) If your victim _is_ your roommate, switch the material in your waste
baskets and pull his bed away from the wall a quarter of an inch
every day.

4) Wait till your victim is away for a weekend.  Dip everything plastic
(pens, phones, etc.) in liquid nitrogen, break it, and stick it together
again.  Everything plastic will break when he picks it up.

5) Polish the floor and stick teflon to the legs of select items of
furniture.  (The polished floor is a bit of a giveaway, but teflon isn't
dramatically slick if there's much grime.)

*********

Maybe a bit on the "im"-practical side but if REVENGE is what you
want...

I s'pose the keyword (superglue) says it all.   The places I've like to hit
are the person's car - namely the dust caps on the tire valve stems,
the gas cap, and the windshield wipers.   Pretty nasty, ain't I?

Then there's always putting a paper bag of sh_t on the person's front
step, setting it on fire, knocking on the door, and running like h_ll.
The victim will come to the door, see the fire, and will usually try
to stomp it out with his foot.

I'll be the first that these are rather terrible and childish but...

*********

This was done to me when I was in college and living in a fraternity house;
Take someone's door and hide it for a while.  You would really be surprised
how often you want to close the dang thing and it's not there to do it!

*********

     A recent favourite in our residence has involved
the kidnapping of some small beloved object (teddy bear,
harp seal, stuffed banana, etc.).  Once this object has
disappeared and before its owner has noticed it's gone,
suspend it from a window in the dining hall, tv lounge,
physics building,... If small animals don't work for you,
perhaps mens undergarments stolen from the laundry might?

*********

I think I have one of these books.  It is by George Heyduke (Hayduke?).  When
I read it, I was practically overcome with mirth.  Some of the things he sug-
gests are hilarious!  It says right in the book that it is written for enter-
tainment purposes only, and not to try any of the ideas, so I guess he has his
behind covered.  Some of the better ideas that I remember are:

1.  "Time bombs."  This is the phrase he uses to describe chicken parts.
    Easily gotten at any supermarket, they are innocent little items that
    can be carried almost anywhere (in a baggie, if neccessary).  But when
    stashed in an out-of-the-way place, like under furniture cushions in the
    house or under car seats or in the trunk in a car, and given a little
    time, YOW!  Watch out for the smell!  Gotten ripped off by a used-car
    dealer?  Wait awhile, then take some test drives in some other cars.
    With a few strategically placed "bombs" in a car with the windows closed
    in the hot sun.... use your imagination.  Getting evicted?  Remove some
    outlet covers or switch covers and stuff some of these babies down inside
    the wall.  They'll be impossible to find, and won't start to smell until
    after you're long gone.

2.  Parties.  Parties are great fun to plan, especially if you plan them for
    someone else to host (as a surprise).  Print up a few flyers for a party
    at your victim's house and distribute them where undesirables will be
    sure to see them.  For example, you might put up flyers around biker bars
    advertising "all the beer you can drink", and "crowning of Miss Biker", or
    something equivalent.  Even if the reluctant host doesn't let them in his
    house when the horde shows up, he will still wind up with a party on his
    lawn.  Of course, if you're his neighbor this gives you a good reason to
    complain to the cops or to his landlord, etc.

3.  Set your victim against a third party, or against another victim.  Let
    other people do your dirty work for you.  Here's an example:  Call up
    the electric or gas company and impersonate your victim.  Request that
    service be terminated for a week or two (going on vacation, or whatever).
    As soon as that happens, call your victim.  Impersonate an officer of the
    gas/electric company, and be very nasty and abusive, saying that service
    has been discontinued because of non-payment of bills.  This should rile up
    your victim, asasuming that he HAS paid his bill and knows it. At any rate,
    tell him he must come down to the office immediately to discuss the problem
    or you will send the police to his house to collect, or something like that.
    Then, once you have him mad, and know he is going to the gas/electric
    company, call up that company.  Impersonate your victim.  Be very nasty,
    and try to get into an argument with a supervisor.  Wind up the conver-
    sation by saying that you are coming down there right now with a gun, and
    you are going to kill somebody.  Then hang up.

    Or, if you call enough times so that people associate your voice with his
    name, you could call back some time after the argument and make a bomb
    threat.  They would recognize the voice as being 'him', and knowing that
    he was disgruntled would make him a prime suspect.

4.  Buy a cheap toy gun.  Plant it in your victim's car.  Then call the police
    and anonomously report that you saw a suspicious armed person in the area,
    and give the vehicle's description and location.  A variation of this would
    be to plant baggies full of phony drugs.  He probably won't be arrested,
    but he will probably be stopped and harrassed.

5.  Enter subscriptions in his name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff
    magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR
    receives them.  His neighbors will not only be disgusted by his perver-
    sions, they will also be irritated by the fact that he is too dumb to
    even get his address right on a subscription.

6.  If you can get one of his credit cards, or even a charge receipt or
    carbon copy of one, use the account to order gifts through the mail.
    Order gifts for REAL friends and relatives of the victim, and have
    them delivered directly to the recipient.  It puts him in an embarras-
    sing position to have to explain to his family and friends how his
    gift to them must be returned.  Also, can you imagine the guy trying
    to convince the bank that HE did not make the purchases?  Don't use his
    charge accounts for your own benefit, or you will very likely be caught.

*********

Another joke which one can easily perpetrate goes like this:

Fill a plastic, or rubber, tube with water. Hold the tube
vertically up into the air and with the thumb of one hand
plug up the bottom hole of the tube and place it next to
your ear (hide the fact that you are plugging the hole).

Next, call a friend, or victim, and tell him that you are
hearing something really strange through the tube and he
should come over and listen in on it. When he gets close
enough to your ear to listen turn the tube towards his ear
and release your thumb.

*********

     My favorite was to place a singles' advertisment for the victim.
I'll leave it to you to think of what to say, but my favorite was
(for a heterosexual person) to place an ad looking for someone of the
same sex.

*********

I believe this is from "The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks."

First, go to the library and find some phone books for large cities.
In one of the phone books you should be able to find a person who has
the same name as the target.  Then go down to the post office and file
a change of address for the target, forwarding his mail to himself in
a far away city.

If I remember correctly the book states that this is very illegal and
is only included for amusement.

*********

>    Enter subscriptions in his name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff
>    magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR
>    receives them.  His neighbors will not only be disgusted by his perver-
>    sions, they will also be irritated by the fact that he is too dumb to
>    even get his address right on a subscription.

   An ex-brother-in-law of mine did something like this for revenge on a
downstairs neighbor. He put a very kinky ad in the Berkeley Barb, which
included said neighbor's phone number -- "call any time".

  Another person I know told me he once ordered some phony business stationary,
and used it to place an order for a 70,000 pound steel coil to be delivered
to this person's (a high school teacher) address.  The coil showed up
and got dumped on the front lawn.

*********

One of the best ones I heard, was to do the following:

  During winter time in any part of the country where it gets really
cold, take your victims mattress, soak in water until it has reached
it's saturation level, then hang it outside until it freezes solid.
Once solid, replace on the victim's bed and make the bed up to look
like normal.  Boy will they be surprised when they go to bed.

*********

Next time when you are having dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the table.
When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend while picking it up that it is
full of water and heavy. Keep the jug on the table near the victim. The
victim will apply what he/she considers is appropriate strength needed to pick
up the jug. This will cause the jug to jerk up to a significant height. The
sight is very funny and so is the victim's face.

Must try to believe. Even the most prude of your aunts will not mind being a
victim of this joke.

*********

AH yes.. ye ole highschool days....  (seems everyone knows of or has done a
VW bug stunt already).  We also had a rather unliked teacher, whose VW was
carried up onto the gymnasium stage on the last day of school.  Needless to
say, every year  after that he arrived on the last day of school driving
the cab of his brother's semi.

*********

This is more of a practical joke WITH a Beetle . . . . MIT has some very wide,
very long corridors that turn out to be VW-accessible.  One night a guy I knew
started cruising the corridors.  The practical joke came when the campus police
started chasing him.  He whipped around a corner, into a freight elevator, and
away.  They never found him.

*********

My favourite practical joke involves on of those long line-ups
for tickets to a concert or something. First you go to the front
of the line and then walk the entire length, looking over everyone
as if you were trying to find a friend. When you get to the back you
walk back to the front doing the same thing, but this time even
slower. Then when you reach the front you turn and quickly run
to the back again, machine-gunning everybody as you go. Then you
go up to the ticket office and say "Get it?" This is a classic
joke and as you can see it is also quite practical, since it gets
you to the front of the line very fast.

*********

If you live in a dorm with tiles on the bathroom door, pour rubbing alcohol
in the cracks, wait for your victim to go into the bathroom and seat
himself, and light the alcohol.

If you can get into your victim's house, staple the sides of many paper
cups together so that they are in a ring or matrix configuration (anything
too large to drag out the door), and fill them all with water.

*********

A friend who lived in Durham sent a postcard to his girlfriend in Milwaukee
that said "Here is a check for the twenty dollars I owe you." and had a
blank spot and a piece of tape on it.

Six letters came to him from Milwaukee, some with photos, none from people
he knew, and all expressing interest in a personal to which they alluded.
One was from a male.  He assumed that his girlfriend had placed a personal
with his address in the paper there;  she had just enlisted help in letter-
writing.

*********

One good practical joke that I've seen done to somebody:

1) Take an old record album cover.

2) Fill the insides with shaving cream.

3) Place it halfway under a locked door to the victim's office, home, room,
etc. with the open end inside the room.

4) Jump on it.

Another, if you can get access to the victim's key chain is to switch all
his keys for keys that look exactly the same, but don't fit the locks he's
trying to open. If you can be around for this one, it's much more fun to
watch the person go crazy as he cannot open anything he owns.

*********

This reminds me of something a friend of mine did to get
even with a landlord that evicted him. There was a hole
in one of his walls so he put a couple of dead fish in
in the hole. He then plastered over the hole and repainted
the wall. Can you imagine the smell after a month of summer
heat? Nobody could tell where the odor would be coming from
until the bottom of the wall would start to rot. He did some
other things to the house but this was by far the most
subtle and undetectable until some time later.

*********

    One of my favorite practical jokes is to get a somewhat long
spool of rope, and when walking down the street ( acting official..),
get someone to assist you in measuring a distance.   Pick a spot near
a corner , go around, and find another person to hold the other end of
the rope. Go across the street and just wait...

*********

Ask somebody what time it is when he/she is holding
a glass of fluid in the hand attached to the wrist where he/she wears
a watch. You'll be surprised how many people pour fluid onto themselves
trying to be helpful to you.

*********

Buy a BIG pile of magazines of every conceivable sort, and clip every
coupon for a catalog, trial product, free brochure, etc.  Specialty
magazines have the most, such as hobbies or sports (or computers).
Your victim should be deluged with junk mail (and since most such
lists get sold to other lists, the response will be a geometric
function of the number of clips you send).

A friend of mine and I once almost started a junkmail war, but formed
a truce before, because we knew it would follow us around for years...

*********

It should be noted by people wishing to play practical jokes, that
some people take them dead seriously. Such people tend to escalate
the level of jokes by a couple of magnitudes. My three favorite stories
are from different colleges.

One joker sprinkled finely ground powdered milk underneath his
victim's sheets. It acts like powdered sugar in the sense that, as you
sweat in your sleep, it dissolves and comes up through the sheets onto
your body and into your pores. But your sweat makes it sour, and when it
gets into your pores, it stays there. You smell very strongly of sour
milk for about a week (4 days if you shower and sauna every day). The
next weekend, when the joker was walking back from a party, three guys
jumped him. They were dressed in ski masks and painter's suits (those
light paper/cloth jumpsuits that people wear to paint autobodies). They
stripped, tied, blindfolded and gagged the joker, and spraypainted
him blue. No one was ever caught.

In another case, a yuppy practical joker taped a guy's car closed with
strapping and duct tape (the thing apparently looked like a ball of tape
when he got through). For those of you that don't know, the adhesive on
such tapes ruins a car's paint job, and can, if you try to remove it en masse,
even take off chips of paint and door guards (especially in winter). Two days
later, the yuppie's BMW was found with all four of its racing radials slashed
to ribbons. The yuppy of course, called the police on the guy who's car he
taped. The guy did not admit to slashing the tires, as opposed to the yuppie,
who told the police why he thought the other guy was responsible (ie: he
admitted to the police that he taped the other car). Charges were never
pressed about the BMW (lack of evidence), and charges were pressed about the
car taping. Did the guy actually slash the BMW wheels? He always claimed
that he didn't (of course the last time I knew, the statute of limitations
wasn't up yet).

Then of course there's the people who take the direct route to revenge.
Some guy thought he would make a very large, easy going, farm boy feel more
at home. So he got some fresh pig manure and dumped it in the farm boy's room.
The very large farm boy, apparently lacking a cultured sense of humor,
beat the living shit out of the joker. Then he told the joker that if it
happened again, the joker would eat the pigshit. Nobody doubted him.

So be very careful who you decide to pull a practical joke on, because they
may not think it's as funny as you do.

*********

Call a mortuary and report the victim dead.  Arrange to have his body picked up
at his house sometime when he is at home.

*********

One of my favorites is to put a couple of ping pong
balls in someones gas tank. The car will start just
fine and will run for a couple of blocks. Then the
balls will get sucked into the gas feed and cause
the car to die. The balls will now float back to the
top of the tank and he will be able to restart the car.
This will be very frustrating to the car owner, espiality
if he works on his own car. First he will replace the
fuel filter then maybe the fuel pump. From there on out
he will be pulling his hair out to figure out what to do
next.

*********

Another door-related practical joke, good in dorm-life scenarios:

1.  Locate undesirable LP record w/ jacket.  I recommend "Mystic Moods".
2.  Fetch cardboard jacket-- should be in good condition, no split sides
or the such.  (Save disc for frisbee-- they shatter in fine fashion when
hurled in a room.  But I digress.)
3.  Fetch can of shaving cream, e.g. Gillette Foamy or the like.  Fill
album cover with shaving cream.
4.  With accomplice, go to room of victim.  Their door should be closed.
5.  Fit open edge of cream-filled album cover under bottom of door.
6.  Accomplice braces album cover.
7.  Jump on album cover, ejecting shaving cream into dorm room.
8.  Run like hell.

Note that if the intended victim's door fits the frame very tightly,
leaving little or no room for the escape of the shaving cream, step
number 7 will instead result in a shaving cream explosion in the
faces of the would-be jokers.  This suggests an obvious alternate
"patsy" scenario...

This was funny when tried.  Of course, most things are funny at 4 AM.

*********

My favourite was one I heard that someone at Boston University did to his
roomate, who he hated.  Late one night, while the roomate, a very sound
sleeper, was asleep, this chap superglued his...er...male organ...to the
inside of his leg.

The roomate must have been a sound sleeper.

*********

I guess I am too restrained to perpetrade anything that might get
the victim shot by the cops, or committ credit card fraud in
the process.
But...
My favorite was always the Saran wrap on toilet bowl one.
Second prize goes to the chubby girl eons ago in high school.
A single teacher had made out of line remarks *during class* about
her size. She got him a paid subscription to a raunchy skin-mag
*delivered to the school*. He got called on the carpet but good,
and the Superintendent would not believe his protests of innocence..

*********

     Okay!! Here's one I haven't seen:

         Get a list on the free classified throwaways in town
  and print the following:

            RED 86 Vette: Won on game show, must sell, leaving
     country.  Steal!!  First reasonable offer takes...
      Call <Victims #> after 1 am (I work nights) and let it
    ring. Desperate, please hurry...

    This should bring the desired results for at least a
week...

*********

We once pulled the reverse trick.  The victim's room had a door whose latch
was of the pattern: handle each side; latch mechanism in middle; square rod
passes through latch mechanism and seats in handles (invisible from outside).
We removed the outer handle, took away the rod, and replaced the handle.  In
the morning, he couldn't get out of his room.  Took the maintenance person
TWO HOURS to figure out what we had done; by which time the victim rather
badly wanted a trip down the corridor!

*********

To be done in warmer climates:  break apart oreo cookies so that
white, creamy filling sticks to 1/2 of cookie (the way most kids
eat them).  Discard or eat other 1/2 of cookie without filling.
Place cookies (filling side down) on victim's car -- this should
take several bags of cookies.  When the warm sun hits the victim's
car, the cookies ooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzzeee down the car, leaving
opaque stripes.  Really quite a sight! Really!

*********

We did something like this, the night before a friend got married.
To keep him from waking up, we covered his face with a rag soaked
in ether or chloroform (I'm not sure).  We proceeded to shave off
*half* his mustache.

His intended was slightly disturbed when she heard the news the next
morning, so she decided to get us back.  While we were in the ceremony,
she had someone sew up the pants legs to our clothes.

We got the last laugh though.  As the newlyweds were getting into
the car, we pulled up in a truck, kidnapped the groom, and drove away.
We took him a few miles out of town, stripped him, and hand-cuffed
him to a road sign.  Taught her.

*********

At one of the dorms here (Techwood) I remember when lots of practical jokes
were played on people.  Of course there was the 'penny in the door frame' to
'penny' them in (keep the door from opening).  But i always liked the more
original versions.  Cover the door with paper, just paper.  Let the mark
open the door, find the paper, and break it all down... do this as many times
as you wish.  The next time, paper the door and either place a wall of bricks
or cement blocks behind the door (by this time, he just walks thru the paper)
or even prop a trashcan full of water against the door...

These and other jokes became quite popular, but, alas, a new class of students
seems to have moved in (they actually **study**) and these jokes became out-
lawed by the RA's (hall monitors)...  (RA's used to help...  and were usually
helpful with their pass key)... But these jokes were called a fire hazard (i.e.
would block people in, in a fire...)  "so it goes..."

*********

In the afore-quoted book, such a trick is suggested as a way of getting
even with your bank. Rent a safety-deposit box and fill it with fish. I
don't know how you can prevent them tracing it to you, though...

The oft-quoted "Volkswagen-in-the-bedroom" schtick is good. A simpler variant
avoids the hard labor involved here by subtituting a self-propelled obstacle
for the VW. In this case, one or more sheep.

While the animals themselves are easily removed from the abode, they do
leave behind "the gift that keeps on giving" !

*********

I remember a practical that failed -- or I guess you could say
that it succeeded too well.  In Philadelphia, 10-15 years ago,
a man decided to play a practical joke on his best friend.  He
took out an add in the "help wanted" section of the Bulletin,
advertising job openings for demolishing houses.  Applicants
were to meet in front of the site at 6:00 AM Saturday morning.
Naturally, the site was the friend's house.  The perpetrator imagined
a couple of hundred men waking up his friend and asking to
demolish his house.  Alas, the friend was not home.  Another
problem was that this was during a recession, with high
unemployment.  About 2,000 men showed up.  It was apparent
that only a small percentage would be hired, so a few
decided that if they could present the employer with
an accomplished deed, they would be the ones to get the jobs.
Everybody joined in.  A few minutes later, they sat down to await
the coming of the employer.

I can't remember what happened after that, if I ever knew.  I imagine
it got pretty unpleasant.  It made the evening news.

*********

This is a very simple trick, but you'd be surprised just how effective it is.
When the victim is sleeping, make a shallow paper tray and scotch tape it to
his door AND to the door frame near the knob.  Fill it with unpopped popcorn.
When he opens the door (from the inside, obviously) he'll have popcorn flung
all over the place.  Not only does it pack quite a little surprise, it also
takes forever to find all of the popcorn afterwards.

It works!  Someone tried this on me when I was in first-year of my undergrad
days.

*********

My favorite practical joke was performed back in high school on the director
of our Audio Visual Dept.  Upon purchasing a brand new, expensive video
camera, he set it up in the AV lounge so he could watch us hoodlums
on a monitor in his office.  While he wasn't looking we taped a clear
piece of plastic over the lens of the camera.  Then the designated
provacateur made sure that he was watching while another went up to the
lens with a squeeze bottle of highly caustic liquid, and crusty, grime
laden rag, to "clean the lens".  Fred jumped over his desk and knocked
over a couple of onlookers before realizing what was going on.

( All the standard things happened to this guy too!  remove all the screws
>from his chair, disconnect ( or reverse ) key components of his phone,
placed packing material in his fan. )

*********

When I was living in the dorms on campus, frequently someone with
a car would offer to drive into town on a rainy day, to save a
wet bike ride.  There were always takers.  I have a car, so
I took many friends to the store, post office, or Bank.  If
someone  banked at the same place as I did and I knew they were
going to make a deposit, sometimes I would get a few bucks together and
also make a deposit.  BUT, as I was standing at the little table
(you know with the little chained pens) I would take a deposit
slip and write THIS IS A STICK-UP  GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN YOUR
DRAWER on the back.  Then I would casually slide it over to my friend
and hand it to him, face up.  After making my deposit I would
leave the bank.  The friend would step up and hand the teller
the deposit slip.  They always check both sides to see if any
additional checks are listed.  Sitting across the street was
a good place to see the cops pull up.  Usually things took
about 20 minutes before he convinced them he was not a bank
robber.  You have to pick a friend with integrity and
a quick mind though.  If he panics and gives your name,
you are history.  I only tried it twice.

*********

Practical Joke 1: After making sure that the victim is out or sound
          asleep (if the victim is in make sure he can't get out),
          put a line of baby powder along the bottom crack of the
          door (or on a piece of paper and slide it under the door --
          hold onto one end). Then use the blow-dryer to spray the
          powder into a fine mist that will cover everything in the
          room.

Practical Joke 2: Make a small, off-center hole in a can of shaving
          cream and then heave the can into the victims open door.
          As the pressure spews the cream out, it will spin the can
          and create a real mess all over the place.

*********

A simple yet effective joke for all seasons...

   Fill the sugar bowl with salt...

    Mmmmm...sure makes them wheaties/coffee/etc taste good !

*********

Do it the Caltech way.  Dump water on the victim's bed until it's soaked, and
pour liquid nitrogen on the bed until the water freezes.  You're right that
it's heavy -- so heavy that the victim must wait for it to melt before he
can get rid of it.

PS - It destroys the mattress covering, so be prepared to replace the mattress.

*********

Back in the OLD days while in college, a "friend" of mine one day used the
pointed end of his umbrella to knock on our dorm room door.  He poked so
hard that the point went all the way through the door (cheap door).  A
couple of days later, a janitor noticed the "bullet" hole and called the
police.  My room mate and I decided just to play it dumb; "Gee officer,
we didn't notice a hole there", "We never heard a shot", etc.  The police
never did find the bullet nor where it hit the wall on the other side.

*********

For a more light-hearted collection of jokes, see the section on
Hugh Troy in _Merry_Gentlemen_and_One_Lady_, by J. Bryan, III.
Troy's jokes did not get people in trouble or stink up innocent people's
apartments; they did cause utter bewilderment worthy of talk.bizarre.

I think Bryan also tells of the time Robert Benchley and a fellow
Harvard undergraduate, dressed in work clothes, went to the door of
a house on a veddy nice square in Boston and said to the maid,
"We're here for the sofa."
     "Which one?" she said.
     This was a dangerous moment, but Benchley saw a sofa in the
corner of the living room and said, "That one."
     They then walked, carrying the sofa, to another house on the
same square, rang the bell, and told a second maid, "We're here with
the sofa."
     "Um, I guess you can put it there," she said; and so they did.

     Benchley heard, in a roundabout way, that the lady of the
first house visited the lady of the second one some six months later
and recognized her old sofa.

*********

Another good one that I've heard about is to put cherry Kool-aid in
the shower head.

*********

I had this joke played on me and it was quite effective.

   A small box was filled with the punch-holes from paper tapes.
The bottom was removed and it was placed on my bookshelf at work, with
no trace of the punch-holes.  Seeing the box, the first thing I did was
pick it up.  Needless to say, the little things were everywhere for
several days!

*********

   I have never tried this, but a chemist friend of mine told me of a
practical joke.  Get a hold of the victims coffee cup.  Make sure its
empty.  Put one drop of phenolthalien ( excuse the spelling, I'm refering
to the acid/base indicator) in the cup and fill it with water. Empty the
cup and let it dry.  When the victim fills it, their is still residue of
the phenolthalien in the cup.  The effect!, the victim will not be able
to make it to the bathroom in time.

*********

A nifty, if difficult, practical joke:

This only really works with friends
(preferably the trusting type).  Get the victim to
your house, then talk (or do whatever you normally
do together) for a while.  Then mention an
interesting effect you read about recently and
wanted to show him/her.  Fill a glass (preferably
a short, squat glass) with water, and have a
baseball bat or a similar long, cylindrical object
handy.  Stand on a chair with the glass, and press
the mouth of the glass against the ceiling.  Have
your friend/victim press the bat/whatever against
the bottom of the glass hard enough so that the
pressure will hold the glass to the ceiling.  The
theory is that if you keep the glass against the
ceiling long enough, it will adhere to the ceiling
without the bat holding it up.  Then put the chair
back, and tell your friend that it'll take about
five minutes or so for the bond to form.  Take
turns holding the glass up with the bat to avert
suspicion.  When the victim is "on duty" once
again, casually mention that you have a few things
to do.  Put your jacket on and leave the house.
(Of course, you're going to come back, aren't you?
You just wanted to see the look on his face,
right?)  If you can get this to work (which you can,
if you are convincing and the victim is gullible), it's a
marvelous joke.  I pulled this on my roommate -
but there was one small problem - when I left our
room, the door was locked and I had forgotten my
keys.  My other roommate showed up in about ten
minutes, but it was not a happy scene...

*********

Yet another answer to that silly revenge problem:
Tape down the little white things that spring up when you lift the
receiver.  (another alternative would be to open up the phone
and remove two little spring things so that the white things don't
come up at all.)  Of course all this should be done in the victims
absence.
Now the fun begins...
When he arrives, dial his number from a nearby phone and don't
hang up.

*********

Good for aracniphobics (check the spelling on that one.)
Get approximately 20 pieces of 1 metre or yard long white string.
Tie a knot at one end and temporarily secure it to the centre of a closed
door.  Begin to tape the ends to the door frame being careful not to close
the door itself.  It should begin to resemble a large spider's web.
Get the rest of the string and start weaving spirarally just like
Charlotte would.  Complete the masterpiece by purchasing plastic
creepy crawlies and attaching them also to the string (eye level,etc.).
Unsecure the centre knot and instant spider web.
You might want to try it with fishing line and smaller creepies if you're
really mad.

*********

     Instead, get a cannister of the foam insulation that is used in
home construction (IT EXPANDS TO SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES ITS VOLUME IN
THE CANNISTER).  Make sure victim is not in his/her office, bedroom, etc...
Then fill room into solid block of foam.

     Baby powder inside someone's hair dryer, causing the CASPER THE FRIENDLY
GHOST look is also a cute one.

*********

A friend and I pulled a similar stunt on a co-worker some time back.
After a long series of joke-perpetrating back and forth, we procured
a rather large box and filled it with packing 'peanuts', then proceeded
to cut a large hole in the bottom and invert the box on the victim's
desk.  We then took a short length of string and fed it into a tiny hole
in the top of the box, taping the other end to the side of the box.
This 'red herring' was easily mistaken for some type of trip-wire to
be engaged if the box was opened.  When the victim saw the parcel, he
immediately knew the source and, wary of opening the box, followed his
initial instincts and quickly grabbed it to move it off his desk ...
the rest is fairly obvious ...

*********

  I had a mischevious roommate in college.  Fortunately, I was the object
of his machinations only once.  It didn't take long to track down my furniture
>from the ten places on campus where he had distributed it over spring break.

  His masterpiece, however, was a concerted effort that involved everyone
on my hallway.  The victim:  our "sponsor" (at Pomona College, an upper-
classperson in charge of a gaggle of fledgling freshpeople).

  This one takes some preparation.  Wrap very thin filament wire (high
resistance, low flash point) around the fuse of an M80 firecracker.  Imbed
this assembly in a box of cornflakes, leading the wires out of the box.

  Next, wire several old-fashioned camera flashbulbs in parallel, and put
them in a circuit with the firecracker wire and a 12 V lantern battery.  Rig
a solenoid to close the circuit (we used an old clothespin).

  Now you're ready.  When the victim is out of his/her room, hang the
cornflake box in the middle of the room.  Arrange the flashbulbs near the
door.  Place the solenoid so that opening the door will close the circuit.
Lounge nearby and watch the fun.

  When the victim opens the door, s/he thinks that the room just exploded.
Bright light, loud noise, and the burnt cornflakes feel like a bomb-blast
concussion as they hit your body.

  Boy howdy, that woman could run.  Caught up with her somewhere around
North Campus.  Being dutiful sponsees, we helped clean up the cornflake mess
later.

*********

This sounds suspiciously like one of David Brenner's "Best Practical Jokes
In The World".  He claimed to do this and put the slip back, three or four
slips down.  The lucky recipient was a kindly-looking little old lady who
had a habit of smiling vacantly and nodding.  When the bank teller read the
back of the slip, and saw this little old lady smiling and nodding, he tripped
the silent alarm, the doors slammed shut, the guards all pulled out their guns,
and the only two customers in the bank were the little old lady and David
Brenner in the corner laughing his ass off.  Naturally he recommended that
against trying this little stunt.

The other practical joke of his that I remember involved getting a friend with
a car to help you.  Pick up about a dozen cheap brooms, and get on a local
(downtown) bus.  Of course, the brooms will be impossible to manage as the
bus bounces and sways, and will annoy passangers and driver alike.  But, as
you've paid your fair, the driver figures you'll be off the bus soon enough
and he'll be done with you.  Get off at the last stop, hop into your friend's
waiting car, and zip back to the stop you got on at, and get on THE SAME BUS.
Much yucks.

*********

Back in my graduate days, I used to bring my lunch to school which consisted
of a sandwich and usually a hard boiled egg.  I kept a small jar of salt in
my desk for the eggs.  One day I dipped my egg in the salt only to discover
it was sugar.  It was easy to spot the prankster(s); everyone in the room was
snickering!

I used to bring my lunches in plastic lined paper bags with bend-over tabs
on the top.  The bags were very good and kept my sandwiches fresh.  I got
them for free from the pockets of airline seats.  One day as I was opening
my "lunch" bag in the lab, the same bunch of pranksters from above gathered
around my table and opened their own barf bag lunches (they had just gotten
back from an out-of-state conference).  However, the joke was turned around
on one of them.  He was spooning yogurt out of his bag and eating it.  After
I told him what it looked like, he lost his appetite.

*********
--
David <"I really was just a Theater Arts major, honest!"> Vangerov
Disclaimer: These are my opinions, all mine!!! Not SCO's, got that?
Sysmom of the night: keeping the system safe for the everyday user.
E-mail: [e-mail] || ...!uunet!sco!davidv || ...!attctc!sco!davidv